My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
