I want to walk on stilts...naked
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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