there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
