does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
