I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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