I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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