Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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