but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
