I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
