So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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