please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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