o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
