Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize