Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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