chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
