textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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