i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
