He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
