We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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