I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
