Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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