I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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