I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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