That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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