We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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