If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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