We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
