I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
