I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
