Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
