Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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