My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
