He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
