I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize