1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
found the other keg... it's in the tree
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize