this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize