Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
