What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Can Purell be used as lube?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
