if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
