Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
handjob tips. give me some.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
