My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
