i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
People in love make me want to vomit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize