If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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