My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
