Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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