smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
