I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
NoShamevember. You game?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
