The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
