No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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