The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize