My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
