I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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