then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize