The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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