no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
