is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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