at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
