Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
