His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize