I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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