The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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