is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
