he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
