Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sorry about my life...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize