What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
