I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
