I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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