I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
