After last night, I could never be a politician.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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