about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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