Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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