i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
